Are they toxic? 20 warning signs
Sigismonda Drinking The Poison | Joseph Edward Southall (English, 1861 – 1944)
Part of the path of healing and self-growth is to recognise what no longer serves you and is not healthy to have in your life. Not just habits and behaviors, it can extend towards people and environments as well.
You deserve love, from yourself and others, happiness, healthy relationships, and a fulfilling life. You deserve healthy relationships with people who love you, support you, encourage and uplift you.
It’s kind of difficult to have that though around toxic people.
Haha, kind of…
Toxic people are like a black hole that sucks in all the light around it(and matter if we’re getting sciencey). They will suck all the joy, love, and positivity they can get out of you until you’re left like a shriveled up prune, instead of that nice juicy grape you once were.
(I hope you enjoyed that analogy, really cracked me up!)
Let’s figure out how to spot a toxic person, and leave them behind once and for all. So the next time you come across one, you’ll know to run for the hills.
Whether it’s a friend, family member, colleague or partner.
You deserve so much better.
Period.
20 signs of a toxic person
Feeling drained
Do you feel like you never have energy after hanging out with this person? That you need time alone to recharge because your “energy battery” feels completely depleted? Or from having a conversation with this person and being around them?
Lack of support
Real friends uplift and encourage each other. Real friends support their friend’s goals and dreams because they want the best for their friends. Real friends are the cheerleaders cheering you on in life.
Do they make you feel supported? Or are you dreams and ideas being rejected and put down for whatever reasons? Does it feel like they don’t care, they don’t support you?
They are always talking about themselves
Blah blah, me this, me that, me, me, me.
It’s all about me, everything revolves around me, it’s my world.
“Oh, you wanted to share something about yourself? Haha, sike! I’m going to talk about my experience that was similar.”
They say mean things/put you down
Sometimes this is disguised as “being helpful’ or “constructive criticism”.
And if you bring up how what they are saying is hurtful, you may get called “too sensitive” or something about how you’re twisting it all around when they have the “best” intentions for you and are just trying to help you out.
Anyone who dismisses your feelings, shouldn’t be in your circle!
Healthy criticism shows us how we can try something else differently to get better results, where we can improve, while still being acknowledged for the ways in which we are trying. If it upsets you, really take a look at if it is their criticism, or something within you that feels hurt by receiving it.
But if they do put you down, it’s them, and that’s toxic.
They violate your boundaries
Oh, you don’t feel comfortable with that? You’re going to be pushed and coerced into something.
Going into your space & things uninvited.
Invading your privacy.
Doing things that you’ve already asked them not to do.
Touching your physical body in ways you don’t feel comfortable
Being too close in your physical space
Telling you too much too soon (as if you’re long term bffs)
This is a violation of your personal boundaries! It takes time, trust, and gradual building of intimacy to share more personal experiences and feelings. Someone who jumps into that right away, by oversharing is violating you. This seems so innocent and non-consequential but it’s not. In romantic relationships, this can be called love-bombing.
So basically, you have 3 things to watch out for boundary wise. With your physical body, with your personal space/possessions/environment, and with over-sharing emotions and life details.
They project onto you
Projection is taking something that you don’t like about yourself, emotions or traits, usually done unconsciously, and “projecting” or attributing them to someone else. It is a psychological defense mechanism.
Toxic people always project.
If you’re unsure whether someone is projecting, ask yourself; are they quick to blame? Do they lack accountability and responsibility for their actions? Do they refuse to see that they do the same behavior or have the same emotions they are accusing you of?
If yes, then they are projecting!
They never take accountability and blame you
It always your fault. And you notice that they never acknowledge their part in a situation.
You begin to become blamed for things that are blatantly not your fault, and sometimes when you weren’t even involved, as bizarre as that is. These people will push accountability onto someone else as much as they can because they are unwilling to see and accept themselves and their actions.
You similarly aren’t going to receive any apologies. And if they do apologize, it really won’t be genuine.
They victimize themselves
It’s never their fault, it was always someone else’s.
To be fair, we all usually have some sort of victim mentality playing around in our psyche until we confront it and stop seeing it as “bad things always happen to me,” and more of a “how can I grow from this challenge.” Which takes emotional maturity and introspection.
They usually see themselves as the one who always gets wronged.
And going on from the last sign, anyone who cannot accept accountability and blames others is operating from a victim mentality.
You can also spot this if honest, open communication is seen as a personal attack.
They are always right
When other people are always to blame, other people have always done them wrong, then it stands to figure that they will think that they are always right.
You cannot begin to work on yourself and your weaknesses if you do not accept them.
Because they cannot see where they are wrong, they are completely unable to see any other opinion besides their own. Often times, lacking in empathy, which gives us that ability.
If you try to “argue”, they will also lever any means of power and authority to assert that they are right. Usually also dismissive of other opinions and perspectives.
“I’m older than you, I have more experience, you’re too young to understand, etc.”
They put you down in front of others
Making demeaning comments and jokes in front of others is a big no-no. It shows a lack of respect and love.
It may come from a need to humiliate someone else to make themselves look better in some way, feel that they are superior to you.
They feel that putting others down will bring them up.
These people could be secretly intimidated by you in some way, jealous or envious, or even insecure about whatever they are putting you down about.
Sharing anything discussed in private to others, teasing you about things you have told them you feel insecure about is disrespectful and a crossing of boundaries.
Backhanded compliments
Ahhh, these can be so sneaky and difficult to spot sometimes.
A backhanded compliment is an insult disguised as a compliment.
Sometimes, they can be unintentional, but only if the person is otherwise well-intentioned and mindful.
For example,
“Wow, you’re 30? You look great for your age!”
“You speak English so well!”
“Pretty and intelligent!”
Overly-aggressive
Men or women, aggressive people don’t know when to back down and when their aggression is inappropriate. They lack emotional regulation with their anger.
And because they lack emotional regulation, they are more likely to become physical abusive as well.
Not all aggressive people are physically abusive, they may only be verbally abusive and possibly physical intimidating with their body and how much space they take up or how close they get to you. That is still abuse.
Just because someone doesn’t lay a hand on you, doesn’t mean they aren’t abusing you.
They may be criticizing you as a means of picking you apart and making you feel that you aren’t good enough, belittling you, name calling, throwing things at you, smashing things to show how angry they are, slamming doors, ruining the things you are working on, getting into your face, grabbing you really hard, etc. The list can really go on unfortunately.
Aggressive people will become moody and agitated when their fragile balance is disrupted. AKA they aren’t getting their way.
The best thing to do is to remain calm and not further escalate them. Although managing other’s behavior isn’t healthy, you may need to do so with an overly-aggressive person for your own safely until you are able to leave.
Passive-aggressive
On the flip side, there are toxic people who are passive-aggressive.
Passive-aggressive people can be more disassociated with their anger, as passive aggressiveness can come from repression, denial, or shame for feeling this emotion.
This will take longer to spot than the overly aggressive types, if you aren’t aware of what to look for. Sometimes, it may leave you with an unsettling feeling of how something feels wrong by an encounter but not being able to recognise what it is.
Because it is so subtle, we may give people the benefit of the doubt, and dismiss their behavior until it’s happened one too many times to be dismissable. It’s very easy to doubt ourselves, and to doubt that the other person is actually aggressive, passively, as many of us are more inclined to view others as good people.
Or sometimes, it may seem so unlike them, so disconnected from how they are perceived as a person that we have a hard time believing it.
Because it can take so long to spot, it can erode away our self-confidence and esteem. So we are once the shell of who we used to be without really realizing it has happened.
They treat other people poorly
You can get a good idea of who a person is based on how they treat service-workers. Servers, cashiers, janitors, waitresses, etc. All of these people are fundamental to society, even if they may get a low status attached to them sometimes.
If they are rude to workers, run away now and never look back.
Treating others with kindness is basic human empathy, which toxic people always seem to lack.
Controlling behavior
Telling you what to wear, who you can hang out with, what you can eat.
Controlling people need to feel in control, so they dominate you in whatever ways they can.
They can be susceptible to anxiety, and have started controlling things as means to cope and not create further stress in their (early) lives.
They may also try to make you feel isolated, and control everything in your life.
Controlling people are manipulators, they will manipulate your emotions as much as possible. The best way to control someone is to make them feel how you want them to feel ,so you can slip into their thoughts and take root in their mind.
The relationship is fine and sometimes great on their terms
Sometimes things are going so well, you catch yourself wondering if the bad times are really bad? Things are just going so well, amazing even. You’re having a great time and reminded of what is so enjoyable about this person.
But reality quickly sets in after something happens and they are no longer in the right mood.
Because really, they determine when you’re having a good time together
If you look at your relationship and see that to be a pattern, that things are only good on their terms, which also kind of implies that things mostly get bad because they’re flipping out, I want you to know that isn’t normal, it’s not a healthy relationship dynamic.
You shouldn’t be walking on eggshells around a person, waiting for the trigger that’s going to set them off.
You’re not a personal punching bag for their negativity.
They take and never give
Greed doesn’t just concern money, it’s an excess desire for anything really, and toxic people are greedy for your attention and your energy. They will keep on taking and taking with no concern to giving back, because they’re selfish.
And because there isn’t a reciprocal relationship, you will feel drained from hanging out with them, because the energy you are putting out to them isn’t being given back, like it is in healthy relationships.
Be aware, that if you decide to communicate about this issue with them, you may be accused of having “expectations” which is “selfish.”.
And it’s not.
They will say and accuse you of anything to keep taking your energy. This can also be called an “energy vampire.”
Dishonesty
All the lies.
Lying indicates someone who isn’t mature enough to openly communicate and be vulnerable with the truth. It shows someone who doesn’t respect you enough to tell you the truth.
Watch out for gaslighting, which is manipulating someone into questioning themselves and their sanity.
Enough said there.
Unreliable
They can’t be trusted. Because they’ll say something and not consistently pull through with it. They are always late, they cancel on you often, they’re not good at the things they claim they are good at, they are dishonest, hypocritical.
Basically, you can’t trust what they say because their actions don’t line up.
No integrity.
They make you look like the bad guy
Because they somehow, somewhere within their psyche, feel that they are better than you.
This can be done to make those in your circle turn on you and a highly manipulative tactic to isolate you and control you.
When you have no-one else, you can only rely on them. And that means you’ll never leave them because you need them. They’re all you have.
Or to put you down and make you feel even smaller and worthless.
And believe it or not, sometimes this can be done subconsciously. And I’d say what’s even worse than someone being mean, is someone being mean and not even being conscious of their actions.
Not an excuse, just a perspective to see how many of us are operating from our subconscious self.
Listen up, ladies!
Even one of these signs is a red flag!
Emotionally mature, honest, authentic people don’t act this way.
And I mean that.
They don’t do any of these toxic behaviors! So even one of these, is too many. For me at-least, and I hope for you as well.
And IF an emotionally mature person happened to do one of these, they would be soooo quick to fix their actions, apologize, take accountability, & heal to become a better person.
You don’t do any of these, your friends shouldn’t either.
There’s no point in salvaging a toxic relationship, you cannot change them. No matter how much “love and healing” you may give, you cannot heal anybody, nor is it your responsibility.
We are not here to “fix” people ladies, to heal broken partners, and to give all of ourselves into nurturing others, even to our detriment.
Value yourself enough to walk away and know that you deserve so much better and WILL find someone better for you.
After you’ve left ASAP, if you have the emotional space and energy to, you can take a look within yourself and discover what inner beliefs need changing.
(Article coming soon for that!)
Levels of toxic
There are so many levels to how much or how little someone may be toxic. Sometimes it is hard to recognize someone as toxic because they may have otherwise good traits to them.
Trust yourself!
I’ve met well educated people who were toxic af.
Toxic is toxic period.
Emotionally healthy people will grow & evolve, toxic people refuse to.
Sometimes we are toxic too
It’s okay to admit.
We all have something unhealthy that we’ve learned that needs to be unlearned & changed. Ex. Stonewalling & not openly communicating your emotions
If you see yourself in this list, have some self-compassion. Walk away from the toxic person & then work on healing it from within yourself too!
Here’s a quick recap:
Feeling drained
Lack of support
They are always talking about themselves
They say mean things/put you down
They violate your boundaries
They project onto you
They never take accountability & blame you
They victimize themselves
They are always right
They put you down in front of others
Backhanded compliments
Overly aggressive
Passive aggressive
They treat other people poorly
Controlling behavior
The relationship is fine & sometimes great on their terms
They take and never give
Dishonesty
Unreliable
They make you look like the bad guy
I hope you’ve decided to ditch the people that make you feel like you’re less than, that you’ll never have better friends, that just make you feel like shit, if we’re all being honest here.
At the end of the day it’s your decision. Follow what feels best in your heart! I’ll be here cheering you on to take next step into a better, more beautiful life!
